fearless, or fear-less?
one of my greatest fears is to lose the ability to feel remorse, or regret, after committing a sin. as though it has become my flesh and blood, that committing it seems like a habit or any other normal things to do. especially while knowing that it is wrong and it is a sin, but still rebelling and going against the voices in my head.
theres a saying that if you dont wanna die in the state of doing something, then dont do it. if you dont wanna die at that particular place, dont go there. if you dont wanna die with that action in your book of deeds, dont do it.
but honestly its really so much easier to say than do especially in the heat of the moment when you are most tempted to do it.
i guess this is where the tests are in life, testing your imaan and seeing if you are strong enough to skip that temptation and remind yourself of Allah سبحانه وتعالى and of obeying Him instead of your own desires.
repentance — i am fearful of losing it. with so many things becoming normal in today’s world, i fear that i might slip and just forget to get back up. i fear for my black heart which has no more white spaces. i fear for the condition of my imaan and the absence of taqwa, that i might never be able to see the light of His guidance anymore.
i fear that, while realising that i will be asked about my actions in the grave, on the day of judgement, in front of Allah سبحانه وتعالى, that my actions will be played and put up for everyone to watch — i fear that, even with that same thought in mind, i still commit the sin, fearlessly, and nonchalantly, practically not worried or fearful at all, too obsessed and too engaged in my own desires.
i fear that regret and remorse dont kick in into my heart after i commit it, and that i dont even bother to pray taubah. i fear that i would be so complacent that Allah سبحانه وتعالى is Most Forgiving, and that i would just mutter several istighfar in place of my sincere taubah. i fear that even if i am remorseful, even if i do my best to repent, it is still not enough.
my heart is dead, and it is hollow. too deep into darkness and too far from the Light.
but, subhanAllah… 😭
Say, “O My servants who have transgressed against themselves [by sinning], do not despair of the mercy of Allāh. Indeed, Allāh forgives all sins. Indeed, it is He who is the Forgiving, the Merciful.”
[Quran Az-Zumar:53]
here, Allah سبحانه وتعالى comes and says that there is hope. there is always hope — its only a matter of if you want it or not.. the promise of His Mercy, the promise of His Love. no matter what you have done, no matter what has been written in the books, there is still time for repentance, there is still an opportunity to redeem yourself.
as long as you are still breathing, as long as the gates of repentance are still open — you still have your chance.
this post is a reminder for me and myself foremostly.. for some days i truly need it more than others.
For you my God, I will hold and cherish this faith,
For this is a test, and we always do worst in the subjects that we hate,
So I am still amazed that you have given me the strength to praise,
For a long time I never prayed, never said your name for days
I am still ashamed of what my heart once contained,
But still you sent me blessings again and again,
Your mercy uses words that I can simply not explain
The honour that I feel, the love I maintain
Forehead and nose, hands, knees and toes,
All pressed before the Lord, before I rose,
I chose to make a little prayer of my own,
Ya Allah please forgive me for my sins as though they were not my own,
Help me to pray as though I was saying my final goodbyes,
My bouncing finger lets me know that I’m still alive,
Alhamdulillah
– Priorities, Boonaa Mohammed
